Today was my first day in ICU. I think it ruined my appetite.

By the way Jaybeep, your friend OPT is now the surgical clinical pharmacist. And then, the other day we were both looking at the updated carta organisasi and he asked me, eh sui shi Vanessa Ting.

Quite a character.

okay.

so jaybeep is now beachbabe, and everyone else is waiting.

so far i've said goodbye to 5 people and havent shed a tear. i'm worried about my own possibilities, really.

assuming, although assuming is a futile game, we each get what we want, what do you want?

jaybeep wanted clinical.

cherielai wants opd, or more specifically, to sit down for most of the day (dis best suits you, i tell you).

i would like clinical, but the self-doubt kicks in. now i get mtac. of course, this could prove temporary, but panic is settling, in the way desert sand settles. besides the knowledge side of it, i dont know whether i can do the management side of it, the education side of it, the rapport side of it, the paperwork side of it, the list goes on and on and on.

in other words, i dont know whether i can do the frp side of it.


but we all said this of sem4, sem6, sem8, pp3, various european trips, prp. and here we are now.

thing is... it's more like being buffeted along than arriving here of my own volition (or effort).


on to other matters: is it true that our critical allowance would be cut down to rm100? talk about incentive.

You know what really sucks?

That the fate of our postings is in the hands of a clerk. Who by the way epitomizes the spirit of Malaysian government.

And this would be a good quote for a never have I ever drinking game.

Never have I ever seen such a fucking lazy clerk who is not only rude but extremely lazy and incompetent. His only sole purpose in life, I believe is to come to office early in the morning, put down his briefcase (full of nothing by the way) and then go for morning break. And after morning break which is say about 1 hour, comes back to his desk, refuses to answer any calls by us, and then go for his lunch at precisely 12. Comes back from lunch after about an hour or maybe later. Then he avoids answering calls again. Goes out for evening tea because avoiding people is tiring, and then sharp at 5, leaves for home.

You know what else really sucks?

People who don't reply to your invitation for a coffee. You are not expecting them to say yes, but I don't know, is it me or is old-fashioned courtesy to give a reply whether you want to or not?

Well fuck you. FUCK YOU.

Oh ya, by the way, leaving for Pahang tomorrow. I'm nervous and I have the urge to just give someone a good kick up their ass.

I'm going crazy here. The agony of waiting for the stupid thing.

If I get some small clinic, it wouldn't be too bad right? RIGHT?

It just means I have to do like management stuff right? omfg! I hate management.

I'm going crazy here.

Revelation

so jaybeep isn't jaybeep anymore.

Truth be told, I was preparing myself for the worst which was Sabah.

So when the call came on that Thursday morning, that I got Pahang, I was pleasantly surprised.

And it didn't hit me how this was quite life changing, when Leeyin came to OPD to see me just now. Then she started tearing up, then I started tearing up, and then a bunch of other people started tearing up. And it just went on from there.

I'm leaving HSA. Can you believe it?

I couldn't. Not when I was dispensing my last basket at OPD. Not when I was walking out of the OPD one last time. Not when I was walking towards the car in that cramped parking lot which i hated so much. Not when I was driving home alone out of the hospital, making that the last time I would see that place.

I hate to admit it but I think that place sort of grew on me.

Whoa.

What a revelation.

happy last day jaybeep.

(in case you were wondering that's what i called for but noneed to call me back.)

why jaybeep? isnt that beside the point of totally wanting to get away from jde.

and i'm sorry i thought this was spam.

and why petani, like how kedah is the rice bowl and therefore need petanis to man it, or because petanis dont take showers, or do i totally have the wrong person in mind here.


and then.


thing is, i wanted to be a writer and yet i'm not writing now and pharmacy seems to be taking up so much effort and time so might as well devote my life to it, and sometimes it can get interesting really;

and yet even as i type this it elicits from me a what the fuck la wei;

and today i talked to a p one oh sixer who said that she puzzled through her whole life just to find herself (as in find, define, herself. not like wake up to find eh whoa how did i end up here.) in glasgow and now she's back and the she whom she took so much trouble to define herself to be is suddenly irrelevant with the surroundings.

so i can say welcome to the club dude,

or i can say shit what have i become, without realising it.

actually what i can say is, i put a lot of effort into not realising it. dammit. life cant be just about one year spent abroad and there you go there's your zenith.

dunno. we all seem to be missing glasgow one way or the other, except cherie.


dammit one month to end of prpship and i have 2 case reports, 1 assignment, and 2 presentations to be done by monday. and each subsequent week would require the birth of another case report and presentation one upon the other upon the other. what to do it's INTERESTING. i like clinical and i'm used to cp2s and 3s but please la one case report plus presentation per week is too much to ask from a prp.

next week ortho. then surgical then gynae then psy. see jaybeep you just created a place for me to moannnnnnnnnn how is this supposed to be entertaining.

If I could divide and organize my life into neat little parts just like msn, and categorize every single thing, I think life would be perfect. But it's not like that.

:(

And thanks to someone, who sniped my position today. Fucking hell. Just because I don't go around smiling and shaking my head like a stupid bobble-head. And just because I don't like dancing around the bush before I get to the point.

Pah.

Life's unfair.

Enforcement sucks by the way.

I take everything back, if they were to give me the choice of Enforcement or Sabah and Sarawak, I'll take Sabah and Sarawak anytime, anyday.