so today i went back to the shrink and it was so pointless. or maybe it was just me. i certainly dont feel like cooperating. i certainly wanted to be anywhere else but there.

so this is how it feels like to be on the other side of the counter... everyone just wants to cure you, and starts getting impatient when you dont get cured. it's all your fault. why cant you try harder.

well i dont know how it is to try harder. i dont know what to try harder at. i know i'm wasting your precious (sincerely said, cos i know you're all very busy) time, but i dont know how to get better enough to suit you. and this is why you see me hiding things from you. it's because i'm confused with what constitutes improvement, and what doesnt.

give up on me. please. let me be. i think i can get better that way. transfer me out if you must. not like i know where to go or what to do, it's so ironic how you make that sound so simple, look here, we're giving you 8 days mc to think about properly, what you want. it's not like i can get what i want, right. what's the point in thinking what i want. just makes for more frustrated hope. HOPE IS A STUPID BITCH.

3 more years of this shit. if what you say is correct, that i'm medically incapable, then what am i fit to do? you're the one who tied me down for this long. am i just going to be shuffled from department to department, hospital to klinik, etcetera to etcetera? you dont know what to do with me, therefore you want to get rid of me.

shrink says i should face up to my weaknesses, and stop blaming other people. I BLAME YOU. I BLAME YOU FOR CONVINCING ME THAT I'M INSANE.

i loved my job. i loved helping people, finding out the small things that could make the difference. i'm one of the best at talking to patients, only you never see that. i'm only like this because you took it all away from me.

i'm on leave again. fuck.

maybe i'm crazy maybe i'm a danger to medication safety maybe i should be relieved from my post due to health reasons.

fuck.

i'm not depressed. i'm fucking pissed off.

do we have to wait til we finish 3 years to do that continuation course, formerly jaybeep? cos i want out of this country now.