Here we are all in different places from which the last blog post saw us. One's started anew half a world away. One's a retail boss. One's getting married. One's a selling artist. And here I am, wondering where I've been and where I'm going, far from home though I am - yet not far enough from the life of the past five years. And so it is...

Just like you said it would be

Life goes easy on me

Most--of the time

And yet we've always known pharmacy isn't in our blood. It's too bread and butter, hide behind the counter, license is power. Maybe this blog hasn't been updated for a while because pharmacy has ceased to be part of our lives.

I have't done my best in the race, I haven't run my full distance, and I have been woefully deficient in keeping the faith. I'm not sure whether anyone still expects me to try. It's been five years, and I've done my duty enough for me to let go and dig my hands into earth, get some wounds that are more than papercuts.

Meanwhile, I leave you with some more choice names for patients here in my little corner of the world:

Dunhill

Johny anak Albert Einstein

Bruce Willis

Mel Gibson

Leonell Messi

In every way that counted, I was dead. Inside somewhere maybe I was screaming and weeping and howling like an animal, but that was another person deep inside, another person who had no access to the lips and face and mouth and head, so on the surface I just shrugged and smile and kept moving. If I could have physically passed away, just let it all go, like that, without doing anything, stepped out of life as easily as walking through a door I would have done. But I was going to sleep at night and waking in the morning, disappointed to be there and resigned to existence.” 
― Neil Gaiman, Fragile Things

I keep thinking back of the things that I could have done or should have done to save this.

Is it my fault, was it my fault?

Was I always absent?

Did I not do enough?

Wasn't my love strong enough for this to work out?

Am I not good enough for you?

If it wasn't, why did you do this to me?

Did I deserve this?

Because I don't know anymore

the little things I should learn to enjoy

Patient: OMG! YOU GAVE ME ONLY ONE MONTH! THE DOCTOR SAID THAT HE WILL GIVE ME FOUR MONTHS!

Kimi: No worries, mister! You can just come and collect from us! You don't have to see the Dr. next month. Just come to the pharmacy with this prescription.

Patient: But, but...

Kimi cuts in : Isn't that easy? We are efficient and you don't have to see the Dr. until your appointment!Just come to the counter and collect your medication with this prescription.

Patient: Oh boy! It's that easy! What a deal! *walks away

And that's how you deal with demanding patients. Make them feel like they are winning. ;)

another song for another monday

song for a monday

lynas

Since the Lynas issue is an issue close to my heart and malaysians are a bunch of fucking ignorant retards, I vote we go ahead with LYNAS.

However I would also like to make a suggestion to the authorities. We move the LYNAS plant to say like I dunno, Taman Tun Dr. Ismail. Yeah. I mean like you all say no radiation right, it's not dangerous, the people in Kuantan don't want it, the people in Kuala Lumpur has nothing against it, so move it there la. Win-win situation. Then we'll start seeing people flip the fuck out.

And no offense taman tun people, I'm from there myself, but the level of ignorance/apathy among you guys is pissing me off. So perhaps we should start a petition: Have Lynas in KUALA LUMPUR. I'll vote for it.

In fact I can't wait. When the issue of the LRT came up and they wanted to build it through Taman Tun, the residents went into panic mode and started protesting and they actually changed their plans. So you know what this means? There are rich and powerful people staying there. And right now they don't give a fuck about the Lynas issue. So you want them to start bucking up? Put it in their backyard and wait with a bucket of popcorn in your hand.

Here's a little advice to you people out there. Young, trendy KL people from the private sector especially ( no reason why, personal bias). I am not sure you will be able to understand this concept, but I'll try my best to explain it to you in simple terms. Here goes, you ready? Try and understand it okay, it might be difficult but do try. So here goes: THE WORLD DOESN'T REVOLVE AROUND YOU, SO THE NEXT TIME YOU ARE GOING ME,ME, ME ALL THE TIME...WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO AND SCREW YOURSELF. Seriously.

Eat shit and die la

arithmetic

3 frps resign(ed)(ing) effective august.

2 frps married, awaiting transfer.

5 prps finished effective july, 2 posted out, 3 floating (hopefully retained but we're being a bit optimistic here).

in the coming two months, 7 prps finishing.

total new prps since jan this year, 3.

aaand then, today the 44 posting out, and net loss of another 2 frps (the one and only each from ipd and satellite).

so yes, **gh can close ward supply become polyclinic^

(^as quoted by ppf u32 kub)

I heard for the incoming pharmies, they have one year of service and then they have to apply back if they want to stay in the government.

Sigh, if that's true, I'm going to stab somebody in the eye. What about us? Four years of our youth gone. Everybody says but you got so long to live, but you are only in your 20s for ten years. And 4 years of it, you give to that no-good government.

Open counter is making me murderous. Or maybe it's the last minute meetings they set on Sundays from 8-5. Slow release. Gah.

So now I have to spend three weeks in this stupid town. Don't tell me about how I could go find friends bla bla bla, I have a problem, I'm socially inept. You happy?

Patients keep on coming up to me, talk about the Lynas issue about how they disagree with it and oh yeah they also sold their house here and moving to KL. Wtf. Seriously.

Somebody save me.

today i cried again. and i was, am still, bitterly disappointed in myself, so old still want to cry. same old fucking trigger. this time in the ward. get a grip.

and then i realise, i cant remember the last time i cried. so it's a setback, but it's also a milestone. and after that i picked myself up (straggledly) and continued with the work. and it felt damn fucking good after that, albeit having to stare down sns and jms and patients with red swollen eyes.

plus point, the hod took it upon himself to sit me down with coffee (in the pantry, 3in1 nescafe. think what starbucks ah) and decided to get to know me better. awesome tactic, the distracting of. instead of everyone else who usually makes me cry harder (with mostly embarrassment) by trying to comfort me or asking what's wrong. so at least now i got to learn something about india.

minus point, shit damn embarrassing ok let specialist mo ho sn jm see me cry. be stronger dammit. personal is not the same as important. i am seriously contemplating getting a tattoo of that. as a matter of fact, another great distraction was deciding where on the body.

it's funny though how i am slowly orbiting away from the pharm world. they're still good and kind and nice people (and a couple of snakes, in contexts oriental and occidental) but now the safehouse is the ward. it's a bit of a frightening illusion. after all, there's no one to get my back in the ward...

among other news, i remember how hans was crowing about his toxoplasmosis case in seremban. so now i have one here, and g6pd deficient at that. ha, singularity.

incident reporting

1. ivig for itp.

dose, 400mg/kg for 5 days. pt 70kg, total 30g per day. how to infuse? try 0.6ml/min, if after 30mins no reaction, increase by 0.2ml/min til max 4.8ml/min.

and then, it was infused at 0.6ml/h, increased to a grand total of 1.6ml/h 12 hours later. i didnt check. i know how the infusion pump works. it should have struck my brain. i deserve to be cut down by lightning.

patient not responding to the ivig.

2. ivi pantoprazole for ugih.

dose, 8mg/h for 72h. i dont know how i calculated, i told them to dilute 80mg in 100ml, infuse at 0.8ml/h. padahal it's nowhere near what it should be of 10ml/h. sn asked me whether i was sure, two shifts later. luckily the patient hasnt bled out.

3. vinblastine 10mg for abvd

prp supplied vincristine 2mg, and like the hero i am i didnt check. oh gosh i didnt check. this is the first thing you learn as a prp, countercheck, countercheck, countercheck. actually what i learnt first was the pen is your best friend... but anyway. i didnt countercheck. luckily the mo did. no bonus points for me from her, though.

3 damn fucked up stupid mistakes in 2 days. i hope the itp guy responds to the ivig soon. or not rm10k per day down the drain. how do i reverse this? i cant take leave, the ward is too messed up. but my brain is tired, and i am not even finishing the work i should be doing. and the work that i do end up doing is worse than cannot pakai, it's a downright liability. i need to get out of this walking dead frame of mind and actually function. i need to disregard all the stress i feel about research and the resentment i feel about the department and the demotivation i get looking at mr surgical, and just focus. please Lord help me focus for the next week. please help me focus.

hep hep

hokay. going to the ulus next week. starting second day of audit dalaman. with our favourite pharmacist.

quite excited actually. except when i think about conversation with mr aforementioned la. but oh yes to be away, away, away.

remember when we first went over to the uk and cherry-flavoured yoghurt was yucky cos it just tasted like cough syrup?

seems like pharmaniaga people are branching out with the flavourings lately. was making sy cloxa and it tasted like pina coladas - serious, smelled like some kind of tropical mix and had the bitter aftertaste you could just put down to alcohol. and the dynapharma amoxy smells like mango or something.

so yeah poor kids. they're not gonna really have fun with the cocktails when they grow up.

checklist

dont need to go on being angry. you dont have to answer to anyone, now.

30 mins more and then get on with work. you've lots and lots, and lots, of work to get done. remember june 15. and june 17. remember june 7. remember september, unless you want march. remember this friday (damn!).

start making your plans. your time and tide waits for no man, anymore, and you're your own person again. make the most of it this time around. by yourself, now, you've to do this by yourself.

dont kill yourself with work though. let it energize, not deplete. and exercise 20 minutes twice a week.

concentrate! it's the year of the fox and the bell has begun to toll.

It gets better

I was chatting with one of my trainee and she sighed. She told me how life sucks as a student. She lamented about the things she has to go through, explaining her tough times with painful details.

She thinks the future will be filled with better prospects when she starts working. She told me about the things she's gonna do, and the things she's gonna leave behind finally. She looked at me with hope and asked me what I thought of it - if things really get better when I started working.

Seeing her in a sorry state, I tried to assure her. I said yeah, life sucks when I was a student too. And not to worry, because you're right; it will change for the better when you finally join the working force. Because now, life fucks.

I left her in shock. Either from the rude awakening or from the obscenity or both - I dont know.

I should stop being an ass to my trainees.

*DISCLAIMER: In case you get offended, the story above is purely fictional. And oh, no animal was hurt.*

antifungal resistance

apparently there's only this one dude who is some expert on everything fungal and antifungal, and he's spanish, and he publishes his complete papers free online, and oh bloody hell they're in spanish. sigh. research makes me insecure dammit. i wish they'd just give me a topic and i work on it. this oyster thing just makes my malaysian education system byproduct of a mind tremble and quake.

pissy rant ahead

You know what pisses me off when I talk to my mom about work?

She'll say at least I have a job. Some people don't have jobs now.

IF I HAD STUDIED ANY OTHER THING, I WOULD STILL HAVE A JOB.

And it makes me wonder if I had stuck to my original plan, would I have been happier. At least, I would be doing something I like. Instead of wasting 4 fucking years in a stupid degree and then wasting another 4 fucking years in the fucking government. It makes me feel useless and stupid. And you can't leave because they made it compulsory. Leave the service you don't get your license and best part is they didn't even fund your studies.

And it pisses me off that when i tell people what i do, people will just say sit down shake leg huh? In 2008,I wouldn't have given a damn about those comments because i knew the truth. I was working like mad in the hospital. But now, it pisses me off because it's true. But I didn't choose for that to happen. I swear, I didn't even have clinics on my mind when postings came. I was so focused on getting the spot in the big places and when I saw the place on the letter, my heart sank.

Sigh. There. I'm done ranting.

sigh :(

On a most random note, Jesse Eisenberg is so fucking hot. Wooot!

Kettle!

You called me lame because I dont keep a kite and a frisbee in my car and bring them around all the time.

=.="

And no, I've never asked a total stranger in a park (or a beach for that matter) to play frisbee with me before.

No, I've never had a very close friend whom I cherish who happened to be a schizophrenic (Ummm, no, I wouldn't exactly call Barefoot schizophrenic)

No, I still cant take my underwear off while fully clothed. I know that you take particular pride in the fact that you could take your bra off while fully clothed. (Your exact gibe was: Quote - "Hahaaa!! I'm smarter than u then! I figured out my tricks years ago.." - Unquote). Well, I'm still working on my "tricks". Maybe if I succeed, we could be a circus.

No, I've never helped my friends to do their write-ups (I, would laugh at their misery instead) and end up with only a few hours of sleep for myself.

No, I've never approached an unknown kampung kid squatting by a big longkang looking at the fishes down there. And actually asked them to bring their fishing rod tomorrow. And actually meet up with them tomorrow to fish by the big longkang.

I find it amusing that you called me weird. Sweetheart, I'm this close (Scowling, showing index finger and thumb 0.5cm apart) to calling you a kettle.

And I'm perilously close (scowling, showing index finger and thumb 0.5cm apart) to make this into my personal blog because I'm too lazy to start one.